Sexualization of Emotional Needs
Sexual needs are natural to sexual beings. They are the result of the biological drive and the human need for romantic intimacy. There is nothing unhealthy or unusual about them.
Sexualized needs, however, run a different course. These emotional needs are expressed indirectly through sexual activity, acted out through a sort of sexual pantomime. The needs themselves are usually legitimate, but the vehicle used to express them is not. We can see several examples of sexualized emotional needs in everyday life. Plenty of men use sex as a means of reassuring themselves that they are virile, competent, masculine. They delight in sexually conquering women, then bragging about their conquests to other men, causing them to feel manly and complete. Of course, their desire for confidence is a legitimate, understandable one. But sexually exploiting women is an illegitimate means of satisfying that desire. Likewise, many women are promiscuous not because they are sex-starved, but because during sex they are made to feel special and cared for. Again, their needs are perfectly normal, but their method of satisfying those needs is immoral, even dangerous.
This is true of other emotional needs that people express indirectly. Some people, for example, try meeting their need for comfort through food, gorging themselves whenever they are depressed or angry. The use of food has become their emotional outlet, and eating disorders may result. Other people sexualize objects rather than people, finding erotic excitement through fetishes (shoes, leather items, etc.). No one can say exactly why people prefer those methods. All that can be said is that somewhere along the line they found a combination of emotional and sexual fulfillment through unnatural means. What they are seeking — comfort, peace of mind, sexual pleasure — is not wrong in and of itself. It’s the way they’re seeking it that is unnatural.
Exactly how and under what circumstances do these needs become sexualized? Why are they sexualized in some people but not in others? No one can say for sure. We do know that erotic feelings provide some of our earliest experiences of pleasure. Infants and children explore their bodies, lingering over the body parts that feel especially good. This gives them a sense of warmth and comfort, the “good” spots providing especially pleasurable sensations. I believe that we associate warm, positive feelings with sexual response long before we even know what sex is, because we associate our sexual organs with pleasure and comfort.
It should be no surprise, then, that when a person longs for intimacy with another, that longing may include a desire to share sexual pleasure. For most people, that longing is directed toward members of the opposite sex. Normal development usually includes, as stated earlier, an early phase of bonding with the same sex. By the time this need for same-sex bonding has been satisfied and the child is ready for relations with the opposite sex, he is also entering puberty with its accompanying sexual drives. Perfect timing! Right when we’re emotionally prepared for romantic love, our bodies are following suit.
But what happens when we’re not emotionally prepared for relationships with the opposite sex? What if, by the time we reach puberty, our need for same-sex love is still unsatisfied and predominant? Our bodies won’t wait for our emotions to catch up. Instead, we may develop strong sexual desires which may cross, like wires, with our emotional needs. In that case, the emotional need for closeness and identification with other people of our sex becomes a sexualized need, with members of our own sex being the object of both our sexual and emotional desires.
And so the emotional responses to early perceptions become sexual responses as well. The need for bonding and identifying with the same sex, accelerated by gender identity problems, becomes a sexual desire. The need to find an ideal male/female figure becomes a need to sexually merge with that figure. And the need for a nurturer, mentor, or comrade becomes a desire for sex with a nurturer, mentor, or comrade.
All of which raises our original question: Why you? No one can say without really knowing both you and your background. But based on what we have seen thus far — some prevalent theories and the experiences of others like you — we can make some educated guesses.
It probably started with your perceptions. You began to see yourself as a child without resources. You know better than I exactly what resources you were lacking: affirmation, attention, a figure to identify with, or maybe a combination of all three. You couldn’t articulate it back then; you only knew that something was missing. And that “something” probably centred around a need for stronger bond with those of your own sex. Maybe you felt different from your peers or alienated from one or both of your parents, most noticeably the one of your own gender. That hurt, no doubt. You wanted closeness; you felt distance. You can’t really say, perhaps, who is to bless or who is to blame. Maybe there was obvious rejection; maybe not. But the result is the same either way.
Maybe you responded by withdrawing, creating your own world of safety and fantasy. Or perhaps you simply waited for someone special to love you and take care of you. You may even have become angry, resolving to never again let yourself feel hurt or rejected by another member of your own sex. Each of these responses affected your relationships with other boys/girls and, eventually, with other men and women. You felt different from them, too. They may never have known your feelings of differentness, but you were all too aware of them. They persisted, giving rise to an aching desire to bond, to be close, to feel accepted.
At some point, perhaps very early, maybe later, you realized that this desire was more than emotional. It was accompanied by sexual longings. Most likely, you were aware of those longings before you even knew what homosexuality was. Then one day you heard the word queer or fag, pondered its meaning, put two and two together, and realized you were one of “them.” It became your secret, most likely difficult to keep and even more difficult to bear. You didn’t ask for these feelings, but you learned that they were unacceptable to most people. That didn’t encourage you to talk them over with anyone, even those closest to you. Your secret became your private burden, one you carried for years. Perhaps even to this day.
So for you, homosexuality, whether expressed through actions or fantasies, represents legitimate emotional needs that have not been satisfied through normal means. You are not mentally ill, reprobate, or retarded. In fact, you may be a highly capable adult who functions well in most areas. But at some point you have found deep satisfaction through homosexual feeling.
Remember, homosexuality has served a function for you. Now is the time to do some serious, reflective thinking. What exactly has that function been? What kind of satisfaction have you found through your homosexual fantasies or actions? Only you can answer these questions. When you do, you will know not only what you have been seeking, but also what you still need. Count on it — giving up homosexual contacts will not kill the emotional needs that led to them in the first place. More than ever, you need to meet them legitimately as fully as possible.
Whatever answers you have come up with, you can be sure that what you have been looking for is stiil available. There are still close friendships to be found, friendships to enjoy, and love and intimacy with the same sex and the opposite sex to be experienced. These are the birthrights of any human, and your hunger for them is God-ordained. They are the vehicles for the security and self-confidence that evey child and adult seeks.
Dallas, J. (2003). Desires in Conflict: Hope for Men Who Struggle with Sexual Identity. Eugene, Oregon: Harvest House Publishers
